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Lincoln the Vampire Killer transcript
Scene 1: The Great Lakes City Movie Theater Lincoln, Clyde, Sid, Ronnie Anne and Ian are watching The Night of the Vampire on the big movie screen. Pale Green Vampire King: "I vanna bite your neck." The Pale vampire king gets closer to the village woman. Village Lady: "No, stop, stay back, get away!" The Pale Green vampire king begins biting the village lady's neck off screen. Village Leader: "We must get rid of those nasty pale green vampire creeps at once, who's with me?!?" All Other Villagers: "We are!" Meanwhile right after the movie........ Ian: "Man, that movie sure was a fright fest." Clyde: "So what should we do next? stop right by the arcade house?" Ronnie Anne: "go hang around at the ice cream and soda parlor?" Clyde: "play some basketball." Ian: "I vote for all of the above." Lincoln: "Uh, no thanks, you guys, I gotta get back home, you know, right before it gets dark." Ronnie Anne: "Lincoln, it's 3:31 PM." Lincoln: "Yeah, well, I know 1 of my sisters, Lucy more than anybody, but it's better to be safe and secure than sorry, I don't wanna be outside when the night lurking blood thirsty pale green vampires come out in search of human blood." Ian: "Wow, Lincoln, I never knew you were such a fraidy cat." Lincoln: "I'm not terrified, Ian, I'm just playing it safe, that's all." Ian: "Oh yeah? then what are you hanging around with me for? I'm a pale vampire and I vanna bite your neck." Ian gets closer to Lincoln which causes him to freak out a bit. Lincoln: "Yipe! (he hides right between Clyde and Ronnie Anne.) cut it out, Ian." Ian: "Stay calm, Lincoln, I'm just clowning around, and besides, everybody knows pale green vampires don't even exist." Clyde: "Ian's absolutely right, Lincoln." Lincoln: "Yeah, well, I'm not taking any more chances, I'll see you guys tomorrow morning, in the daylight." Lincoln walks around on his way back home to the Loud-Santiago-Casagrande-McBride Apartment. Ian: "Man, what a fraidy cat." The Loud-Santiago-Casagrande-McBride Apartment Lincoln's in his bedroom while checking for vampire bats, but there are no vampire bats in there. Lincoln goes right in his bed and falls asleep. Lincoln's creepy dream sequence........ Howling In Distance Lincoln's still asleep and Vampire Ian (off screen) taps him on his right shoulder. Pale Green Vampire Ian: "I vanna bite your neck." Lincoln: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Lincoln runs away from Vampire Ian. Lincoln: "No, please, stop, get away!" Vampire Ian begins biting at Lincoln's neck. Lincoln: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! End of Lincoln's creepy dream sequence. Lincoln: "Wait just 1 minute, it was just a dream vision, there's no vampires around here, man, I gotta try to relax myself." Lincoln: Breathing Great Lakes City Middle School/Agnes Johnson's classroom Lincoln: Breathing Continues Clyde: "Hey, Lincoln," Ronnie Anne: "how's it going?" Lincoln: "Oh pretty good, you guys, I'm not thinking about vampires at all, in fact, I'm all relaxed." Sid: Chuckling "Now that's some serious eye-wear, Ian." Ian: "Thanks a bunch, Sid, not only do they keep the bright sunlight outta my sensitive eyes, but I think they make me look bright and snazzy. I also used pale green cover ups to cover my face up." Lincoln: Deep Breathing Meanwhile in the school cafeteria kitchen......... Lunch Lady Number 1: "Garlic bread, Ian?" Ian: "No thanks, ma'am, I never touch any garlic." Lincoln stares at Ian in disbelief and shock. Meanwhile in the school library room...... School Nurse: "Thanks a bunch for your enthusiam, Ian, but the blood drive's for the staff and faculty members only." Ian: "Oh well, that's too bad, ma'am, blood drives are among my most favorite school functions." Lincoln runs away from the school library room. Later on in the janitor's closet, Lincoln grabs Clyde and Ronnie Anne. Lincoln: "It's super thrilling, you guys, it's just like in that movie, I mean, 1st he comes right into class wearing sunglasses and also has a pale green face, then he turns down the garlic bread during lunch time, then he gets super excited about a blood drive, a blood drive for staff and faculty members only." Clyde: "Dude, what are you talkin' about?" Lincoln: "I'm talking about Ian, you guys, in the fact that he's a pale green vampire." Ronnie Anne: "Come on, Lincoln, lots of people wear sunglasses and also pale green cover ups, it doesn't make them pale green vampires, neither's not liking garlic bread, and just as far as the blood drive goes, maybe Ian got super excited about the free good cupcakes they gave out." Lincoln: "You're wrong, Ian's a pale green vampire, and I'm gonna prove it to you guys, just you wait and see." Lincoln exits the janitor's closet. The library room Lincoln (reading the book title): How to Prove your Good Friend's a Pale Green Vampire. Lincoln's bedroom Lincoln: The 1st step in proving that your good friend is a terrifying underhanded critter of the night, is to find out if he's got a reflection, if the expected evil-doer's image doesn't appear in the mirror or a photograph, he's most likely a vampire. Back in Great Lakes City Middle School/the hallways Lincoln takes a photo of Ian, but Ian backs down and Ian's image is cut from the photo. Lincoln goes right into the young men's washroom to show Clyde. Lincoln: "See, Clyde? I told you and Ronnie Anne, Ian's a pale green vampire and this photo proves it." Clyde: "Lincoln, there's nothin' in this photo." Lincoln: "Of course there's nothing in the photo, Clyde, 'cause pale green vampires don't have reflections, Ian's dark powers caused this photo to come out empty." Clyde: "Come on, Lincoln, Ian doesn't have dark powers, and this photo doesn't prove anything, except maybe you don't know how to use a digital camera." Lincoln: "Okay, fine, don't believe me, it doesn't matter anyhow, 'cause there's lots more proves where this came from, you'll see." The Great Lakes City Middle School lunch room Lincoln: the 2nd step in whether or not your good friend's a monstrous blood sucking devil is to find out if he's got unusally large fangs. Lincoln goes right over to Ian's lunch tray and shows Clyde and Ronnie Anne Ian's cheese and egg salad sandwich with a bite mark on it. Lincoln: "Check it out, you guys, super terrifying, right?" Ronnie Anne: "It's a cheese and egg salad sandwich, Lincoln." Lincoln: "It's not just any cheese and egg salad sandwich, it's Ian's cheese and egg salad sandwich, and it's got big fang marks in it." Clyde: "They're just teeth marks," Ronnie Anne: "now cut all of this crazy pale green vampire nonsense out and give that cheese and egg salad sandwich back to Ian right now." Ian: "Can I have my cheese and egg salad sandwich back, please?" Lincoln: "Okay, I'll give the cheese and egg salad sandwich back to him, but Ian's a vampire, trust me, you'll believe in me sooner or later." Meanwhile on the Great Lakes City Middle School bus......... Lincoln: The 3rd step in freaking out if your good friend's a grisly night walking fiend is to capture him in a transformed state of a big hairy vampire bat." The Credible's apartment Lincoln sneaks right up by Ian's bedroom window and a bat swoops down and Lincoln catches it in a cage. Meanwhile........ Lincoln: "I finally got it, you guys, the brother of all proof." Lincoln shows Clyde, Ronnie Anne and Sid the bat in the cage. Clyde: "What is that?" Lincoln: "It's Ian, you guys, in his terrifiying bat state, I caught him last evening flying around in his backyard." Ronnie Anne: "You gotta be kidding us." Lincoln: "No, you guys, I'm completely serious, I stopped him and caught him with my own hands." Clyde: "Lincoln, please." Lincoln: "Now I know what you guys are gonna say, how can I be sure that I found the right bat? I know I did, you guys, 'cause I saw this 1 fly right down Ian's bedroom window, plus, it means Ian wasn't even on the bus this morning, and that could only mean 1 thing." Ronnie Anne: "Did you stay at home feeling sick and nauseous today?" Lincoln: "No, I got him, right in here." Ronnie Anne: "Lincoln, you're going completely crazy, there's no way that this bat's Ian." Ronnie Anne opens the cage and the bat flies right out of it. Lincoln: "No, Ronnie Anne, wait, what are you doing?!? NOOOOOOOOO! I can't believe you let Ian go, now he's gonna bite my neck! I'm doomed for the rest of my entire life!" Sid: "Lincoln, please, you're not gonna be doomed for the rest of your entire life." Lincoln: "Yes, of course I am, you guys, and right now, my only chance to survive is to go right over to Ian's apartment this evening and get rid of him right before he gets rid of me." Clyde: "Okay, fine," Ronnie Anne: "if that's exactly the way it's gonna be," Sid: "then I guess we got no other choice but to go with you and help you out." Lincoln: "That's a super good idea, you guys, 'cause I can really use your help around here vanishing Ian." Ronnie Anne: "We're not going just so we can help you out, we're going right over there," Clyde: "just so we can prove to you at once," Sid: "that Ian's not a pale green vampire." Meanwhile, Lincoln, Clyde, Ronnie Anne and Sid are right up top on 1 of the apartment buildings. Sid (looking right through her binoculars): "I don't think I see anything around here. wait just 1 minute, there he is. (she notices Ian's silhouette, but only in a pale green vampire like outfit.) that's kind of crazy." Lincoln: "Crazy? you guys, he's wearing a pale green vampire cape." Ronnie Anne: "Look, Lincoln," Clyde: "we'll admit that Ian's outfit's super crazy," Sid: "but this still really doesn't prove anything at all." Lincoln: "Come on, you guys, let's go right inside his apartment." The 4 best friends for life and love birds walk around right over to the Credible's apartment living room window and Ian looks like he's biting on a goat. Lincoln: "Clyde, Ronnie Anne, Sid, look!" Ronnie Anne (looking right through her binoculars): "Man, that's really super crazy." Lincoln: "See, you guys? I told you 3." Clyde: "I know exactly what it really looks like, Lincoln," Sid: "but there's no way that this could really happen." Lincoln: "He's in there, biting the neck of a goat, what more do you mean?!?" They all look right inside and see Ian going right inside a casket like bed. Lincoln: "This really proves it, it's the final nail in the casket, so to speak about." Lincoln: Nervously "The point is, Ian's attracted to human feed, and he must be vanished." Clyde: "That's really unusual," Sid: "but we're pretty sure it's all a super big misunderstanding." Lincoln: "Misunderstanding? he just climbed right into a wooden casket." Ronnie Anne: "Let's just go right inside and speak with him." Lincoln: "Speak with him? you can't speak with a pale green vampire, he'll hypnotize you guys with his ghoulish gaze, we need to take action." Lincoln takes out his plastic knight sword. Clyde: "What exactly is that?" Lincoln: "It's my pale green vampire vanishing stake." Ronnie Anne (touching the plastic knight sword): "It's a plastic knight sword." Lincoln: "Give me a break, you guys, the best I can do is short notice. anyhow, I got a plan, I'm gonna climb right up to the side of his apartment, sneak right inside and surprise Ian, then I'm gonna vanish him. you guys wait right here keep guard of this entire place." Sid: Heavily Clyde: "Lincoln," Ronnie Anne: "wait up." Clyde, Sid and Ronnie Anne follow Lincoln right inside the Credible's apartment. Inside the Credible's apartment Ian (from inside their apartment): "Hi there, Clyde, what brings you, Ronnie Anne and Sid here on such a rainy evening?" Lincoln goes right through Ian's bedroom window. Ronnie Anne: "Well, Ian," Sid: "Lincoln thinks you're a pale green vampire." Ian: "He really thinks I'm a pale green vampire?" Clyde: "Yeah," Ronnie Anne: "and he's sneaking right into your bedroom window with his plastic knight sword to come and vanish you." Cut to Lincoln right upstairs in Ian's bedroom. Lincoln accidentally bumps right into a squeaker toy bat. Lincoln: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Lincoln falls right over. Cut back to Clyde, Sid, Ronnie Anne and Ian in the living room.......... Ian: "Why on earth would he think I was a pale green vampire?" Sid: "Well, Ian, for 1 thing, you're wearing a bright blue cape," Cut to Lincoln again........ Lincoln sees a silhouette of a pale green vampire. Lincoln: In Shock Lincoln begins using his plastic knight sword to do his attack moves. Cut back to Clyde, Sid, Ronnie Anne and Ian again......... Ronnie Anne: "what about that goat?" Clyde: "we mean," Sid: "we saw you biting its neck," Cut to Lincoln once again....... Lincoln turns on the lights and notices that it's just a clothesline. Lincoln: "What a relief." Cut back to Clyde, Sid, Ronnie Anne and Ian again......... Clyde: "and what about that casket?" Ronnie Anne: "we saw you going right inside of it." Lincoln (off screen): "Got ya!" Lincoln: "finally, I reached the dark 1's lair!" Lincoln comes right down the stair steps with his plastic knight sword to try to vanish Ian. Lincoln: "Prepare to face the powerful music, pale green vampire!" Lincoln notices Clyde, Ronnie Anne and Sid in the living room. Lincoln: "Clyde, Ronnie Anne, Sid, what are you guys doing here? I told you guys to wait right outside and keep a sharp eye out." Clyde: "It's alright, Lincoln," Ronnie Anne: "we spoke with Ian," Sid: "and everything's just perfectly fine," Ronnie Anne: "he's not a pale green vampire." Lincoln: "He's already gone on to you guys, he's hypnotized you guys, bit your necks and transformed all 3 of you into pale green vampires just like him." Ian: "Hey, who are you calling a pale green vampire?" Lincoln: "I don't know, Ian, maybe the dude wearing the bright blue cape?" Clyde: "It's not a cape, Lincoln," Sid: "it's his night-shirt." Ian: "I wear it all the time, it protects my neck and ears from the freezing cold weather." Lincoln: "Yeah, right, and I'm pretty sure you got just enough explanation that why exactly you were biting the neck of a poor innocent goat!" Clyde: "It's his art project," Ronnie Anne: "he wasn't biting its neck," Sid: "he was just biting the thread off," Clyde: "you see that? it's a plush toy." Ian: "I said it was loose thread and I bit it right off with my teeth." Lincoln: "Yeah right, and I bet that casket right over there isn't even real either." Sid: "It's not a casket, Lincoln," Clyde: "or is it?" Ian: "Of course not, it's a wooden cabin bed, we got us some gummy worms and gummy bears." Lincoln: "I'm pretty sure that's not exactly what you want me to think, pale green vampires, now prepare to be vanished!" Ronnie Anne: "Come on, Lincoln, enough is enough," Ian: "quit acting like a crazy goof brain." Category:The Loud House season 5 episode scripts